If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
