i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
