Pappa wants mamma naked
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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