god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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