my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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