the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
