that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
