So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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