hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just cut my nipple shaving
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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