I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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