It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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