You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
