Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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