and you said cock pushups were impossible
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
