My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
