Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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