why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize