I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
