oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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