i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
