if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
