she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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