I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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