were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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