You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
