i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
