the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
