woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
