I will die if light touches me.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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