I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
