Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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