i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
