since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
