____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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