I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
