her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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