The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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