I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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