I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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