maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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