Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
