Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's like God shit irony all over that family
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize