He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
