Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They are going to name an STD after you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
