I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
