if i can run in heels then i can drive
she woke up with a sticky ear
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
