In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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