I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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