Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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