Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
