i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
