he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
