thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
