he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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