I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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