I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
