What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
