Four minutes until I can fart!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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