when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
